Jeanetics: A New Theory of Evolution

 

 

Image: Photo of suddenly-fashionable blue-jeans, 20 years in the making!
Carl’s famous blue jeans

Holes In My Pants

The Hole Truth About Blue Jeans and the Secret to Becoming a Fashion Plate on a Cautious Budget!

By Carl Dow

Image: Portrait of Carl Dow by Lena Wilson Endicott, 1995.
Portrait of the author, by the late Lena Wilson Endicott, 1995.

I’ve been wearing jeans ever since I grew out of knee pants. I have seven pairs. One for each day. The newest one, with my blazer, for weddings, funerals, going to the doctor and, just to keep peace in the family, for visiting my mother-in-law.

I’m built close to the ground but I’ve always opted for a jean size built for taller men. This gives me a slightly hanging crotch that has proven handy in street fights when it comes to catching knees before they can do any harm.

I’m not really a hoarder. I mean the kind that keeps stuff that pile so high you need a compass to find the fridge. But I do hate throwing things out. I keep a mild healthy scorn for the throwaway society we have come to be.

But there comes a time when a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

My oldest pair of jeans, bought 20 years ago for $19 plus tax, now have a frayed cuff on the left side looking down, and threadbare holes in the thighs, and a zipper frame looking white from use with a hole at the very bottom. Pride, reinforced by my better half, won’t allow me to wear them out in public.

So I took myself off to Mark’s Warehouse where I got in the habit to buy jeans. Now, my learning of buying American made and Canadian made is that the quality is very superior to that which is tailored off shore. So the stuff lasts a lot longer.

Another thing is that Asians by and large are smaller than North Americans, which might explain why, when you try on mediums made in Bangladesh or Vietnam, they’ll be too small. To get a large you have to find an extra large.

Today at Mark’s Warehouse you can’t find Levis or Dakota made on this side of the water. And what you can find, don’t fit proper, and cost an arm and leg more than the $19 I got used to paying.

I shopped around and found that The Bay will sell me a pair of jeans that’s got holes and threaded tears in them just like mine for $286 plus tax. Get that: $286 for my $19 jeans with holes and threaded tears in them for $286! And they’re brand new!

I’ve never been one for style. If it feels right, wear it.

But the other day, for a try out, I went grocery shopping wearing the holes in the pants. The ones I had been hiding from the public.

A friendly woman clerk, among those I have come to know there, saw my holes and threaded tears. She came around the counter and gave me a great big hug.

“Well handsome,” she said, “it’s nice to see you finally dressing in style.”

All that approval, and I never had to kick out $286 bucks. Just came from biding my time.


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